The past year has easily been some of the most complicated and painful months of my life. No, it was not a boy. It’s because I lost the ability to feel comfortable in my own skin. I stood by as my skin betrayed me and there was nothing I could do.
I'll start from the beginning, so it all make a little more sense. If you've been keeping up with a few of my blogs I'm sure you've noticed a few comments about my skin here and there but I think it's about time I tell the whole story.
I went into school in August bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to dive head first into my biggest year yet! Junior year was my year for the taking; living with my best friend, my final fashion project walking on the runway, and my internship. School was stressful, but I knew I could handle it and I wasn't too concerned. I was still working out regularly, I had 3 jobs, I was taking 19 hours of classes, I loved writing my blog, and I felt on top of the world.
Then all of a sudden around the end of September I started to get a few patches of eczema. Nothing I couldn't handle, I've had eczema since I was ten. I was very wrong. Within the next few weeks the rash escalated. It was so bad that I couldn't sleep and I woke up crying and bloody because I would scratch and it was so painful. Some days the pain was so unbearable I couldn't walk or move. I finally decided to just try to go to the MedClinic at Auburn to see if there was a simple fix. There was not. As soon as Skylar (my favorite person to see at the Med Clinic) walked in the room and looked at my skin she was shocked I had waited so long. I was then scheduled for an appointment with a dermatologist an hour away. Things improved for about a month and everything was great and then by November it was the same pain and ugliness all over again. By the time school let out for Christmas break I had been to the Auburn Med Clinic four times and the dermatologist in Montgomery twice. When I went home I went in to see my regular dermatologist...three times. I was told to lower my stress level or learn how to time manage better when I went to my dermatologist in Knoxville. Fun fact I'm a college student I can only lower my stress so much and I teach time management skills at a leadership camp. So no that didn't help and only made me more agitated.
While I was home I went into a depression mode and really just slept all the time unless there was something specific I HAD to do. My dad usually tried to find me tasks so that I would get up and do something but some days he felt too bad for me because he could see how much pain I was in. I couldn't go workout because if I sweated my skin felt like it was burning and some days it just hurt to move because the exzema has spread to the back of my knees and inner elbows. When I was home and unable to workout I gained weight, which only made me spiral further. Before I went back to school in January I went back to the Knoxville dermatologist and she prescribed a new medication that was supposed to help. That was the 13th medication I had tried since October to help my skin. Two weeks later I woke up with baseball sized bruises all over my body, next thing I knew I was rushing to get blood work done to figure out what on earth was wrong. Turns out they couldn’t find anything but I of course had to stop the new medication.
I had to go back to the Knoxville dermatologist and get a skin biopsy to see if they had been treating the wrong problem all along. Another fun fact, that’s the first thing I asked them to do five visits before. I have no idea what happened but poor Hope was there by accident and she almost passed out so it's safe to safe it didn't look pretty.
For the next several months it was doctors appointment after doctors appointment and any medicine they could think of, and a few strange home remedies. The strangest by far was the bleach bath-Hope was there for that comment too. I never took a bleach bath just to let the record show. I ended up going to around 30 doctors appointments and tried about 18 different medicines and home remedies.
The worst part of all of this was literally not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I was always covered up with make up or as many clothes as I could bear to wear. Imagine walking into a room not thinking anything of how you looked and someone asking if you got malled by a bear because you looked so awful-yes I did go home and cry after that one. imagine people asking you if you had leprosy-I didn’t leave my apartment for a few day. Even just the horrified looks I got from professors, classmates, and even onlookers was not fun.
For 6 months I was only able to wear jeans three times, I always wore tights and dresses because anything else put me in so much pain I couldn’t help by cry. I am no longer allowed to use fun scented detergent, shampoo, soap, or even lotion. I have to use baby ultra sensitive brands. I didn’t even realize that hotels don‘t think about that or use it, so I recently had a reaction sleeping on sheets!
My skin truly affected every aspect of my life. My weight and health, my school and work ethic, my view of myself, my relationships and the way I treated people, and even my faith. I stopped talking to my friends as much, sometimes they had to drag me out of the house, I never felt like I could walk out of the house without makeup, and my room was a disaster because I no longer had the energy to clean it-which for me is SHOCKING.
Around April I started doing a shot called Dupixent every other week. The only problem with that is that I'm deathly scared of needles, so I usually have to find someone to jab me. The first time I had to take two shots and I had to give them to myself. I had to lie on the ground for about 30 minutes then play a song to hype me up so I wouldn’t pass out when I did the second one. Thank goodness for best friends because Hope agreed to give me the shot now, so she is my go to personal nurse.
The hard work is just beginning. The mirror and I still aren't friends again, but I’m finally confident enough to walk around again without makeup. I’m proud to say I can workout without crying, and I can even wear jeans again!
This year has been incredibly tough, and to be frank most people can't understand it, but I'm incredibly blessed for the people that were intent on helping me. Thank you to everyone that contributed to helping me get to where I am. I am especially thankful to Skylar from the AUMed Clinic who never got sick of seeing me-even when I came in once a week all of spring semester.
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