Long time no see lovelies. I hate to say it but I haven't talked to you in six long months. I could say it was a number of things, but when it comes down to it I am simply drained. I have felt drained, and yet at the same time drowning for the majority of 2021. I couldn't find the energy to write to all of you and needed the break to write on my own and process all that life has been throwing at me lately. All that said, I have missed you and hope you enjoy...
After what seems like ten years in one, we made it. The end of 2021 and yet here we are still battling the same pandemic and it seems to be back to its old tricks. Do you view the end of the year as the end of a book ... or a chapter? I will be going with book, and shutting it very promptly with excitement and some hesitation as I open 2022.
My friends are constantly frustrated with me because I always hunt for spoilers ... I am the person who reads the last page of a book to make sure the ending is good, looks up spoilers on the fate of my favorite characters, and will sometimes ruin the plot for myself. I am constantly looking for happy endings, because as I am so often quoted, "real life is too depressing to surround myself with depressing stories, so I stick to fairytales and perfect endings." When I watch a show, movie or read a book I expect a happy ending because I want to be transported into something better, I read and watch TV to escape the crazy and disappointing (of late) world around me. I connect with the characters so deeply, I often envision myself in their shoes and as a part in their story, that is why I wish for their happy ending.
I joke that if my life was a book I would happily read the last page just to find out what happens, to make sure the ending was everything I expected and more. This led me to really question my saying that though... is that really how I felt?
I've been back in Knoxville nearly two years now due to the constant resurgence of the pandemic. I didn't graduate as planned; I didn't say goodbye to my school, teachers, or friends. I didn't get "the dream job" I always wanted and I was convinced I would have as I walked across the stage May 2020 ... in fact there was no stage at all, until August 2021.
A year ago I'd of told you I was restless, furious and couldn't imagine a reason this had all happened. A year later, I can confirm with great certainty this is exactly where I was supposed to be. This doesn't mean I'm not frustrated, because trust me there are still several days I still cry out of pure frustration. It doesn't mean that I'm thrilled to have moved back to my hometown that no longer feels like home after "graduating". It simply means I'm at the point that I understand, that even though it isn't what I wanted it was what I needed.
If I hadn't been in Knoxville these past two years ....
~I wouldn't have gotten to tell my uncle, one of my heroes, goodbye
~I wouldn't have gotten to tell my grandpa goodbye or talked about just one more UT football game
~I wouldn't have had two years of Tuesday suppers with my grandparents
~I wouldn't have learned how much I love working in social media, maybe even more than design???
~I wouldn't have meetings with Invisalign marketing reps (or get told the account I run is one of the best accounts he's seen)
~I wouldn't have gotten to hold my best friend's hand or braid her hair as she went through the toughest moments of her life
~I wouldn't have met my work friends, who have become some of my best friends
~I wouldn't have gotten to watch my little brother grow into the man he is just for a little bit longer
~I wouldn't have spent extra time with my 97 year old Gammaw (in case you were curious, she has only recently decided she's going to grow old)
There are so many things this past year that have been less than pleasant and certainly less than ideal. I've felt pain like nothing I thought I would have to experience, and certainly wasn't ready for. At the end of the day I wouldn't have traded this past year in Knoxville. I was where I needed to be because HE knew where I need to be even if I didn't. This year continued to shape me in to who I am and for that I am forever grateful. So...... to answer my own question.
Would I really want to skip ahead and find out what happens? Would I want to skip the life lessons that formed me into who I am? Would I risk things or react to things differently if I knew how my story ended?
My spoiler obsessed heart will still always answer yes, I would love to have a crystal ball but only to know it would all turn out all right, but I wouldn't want the specifics of the journey. I think the specifics and the small moments are what have, and still continue to formed me. I think it is easy for us all to say we wish we knew things would get better, wish covid would go away, wish heart break would stop aching so much (or in my case there was some poor fool out there who wanted my heart), wish we got the job or the guy or the white picket fence. It is easy to continually think about these things when faced with this false depiction of reality the media throws at us.
My real answer, however, would be no. I don't think I could live with myself if I skipped all the hard parts, the heart breaks, the failures, the formative moments. Even though, It is especially in those tough moments that I wish I knew the grand plan. I think the point is to be strong, to endure, to fight, and to hope for better tomorrows. In truth, we have the chance to change our own ending and turn it into whatever we want. The end of the book is also never the best part, its the journey to getting there that is.
I'm sure if you asked me when I was 5 what I wanted the end of my book to be it would have sounded something like this, "riding off into sunset on a pegasus with a handsome prince on the way to our castle." (I watched -- and still watch -- too many fairy tale movies) Young Suze isn't totally off base from what I would want today, but maybe a little less fantasy and a little more reality.
Life is no book, movie or TV show with spoilers. It is to be lived to the fullest, to be enjoyed, and most importantly to be changed. There are always multiple paths facing us, but it is up to us to decide which we should go down and which ending to write.
As we close the book on 2021 I hope you will all join in excitedly turning to page one of 2022 and I can't wait to see what all our stories hold this year!
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