Depression, therapy, anxiety, anti-anxiety/anti-depressants, mental health issues, etc. All super uncomfortable things to say and not okay topics right? Wrong. We have created an awful stigma around these words and emotions as if they need to be swept under the rug and forgotten about.
When we fall and have a huge cut, it is a visible reminder of our pain. When I fell in New York this summer I had a cut covering nearly my entire shin and I still have a scar healing from it. People stared at it all the time and told me how painful it looked but after the first two weeks, I was okay. My family still looks at the ugly scar and talks about it and that's fine, but I don't even think about it other than to laugh anymore. The physical pain is gone.
When I was 12 I was taken to a therapist for the first time, after an hour she looked at little baby Suze and said do you realize you are depressed and have an insanely high level of anxiety? I had no Godly idea of what that meant. I just knew I was sad because I was bullied at school, my mom beat the crap out of me and called me names, and the whole time I just carried on and put a smile only face and pretended I was fine. I was not fine by any means and no one knew that and no one was allowed to know what was going on. My whole life I was taught to keep that part of myself a secret.
Half of my family probably doesn't even know this went on. I saw Dr. Wike (my very first therapist) for seven years. I went through all kinds of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for years but too often I felt numb and I wanted to stop. Over the three year period where my parents were getting divorced, I saw five other court-mandated counselors. I stood up to lawyers, my mom, and the parts of myself I had always kept hidden while I was in therapy.
Freshman year of college was not an easy year, and having to say goodbye to "my person" of seven years didn't make the year go by any easier. As college went on I met with seven therapists in the Auburn Area, each one worse than the last. I had finally given up when I junior year I was recommended someone by chance.
I have been seeing her since the end of junior year. I started seeing her because I started to get depressed about my skin, but it has evolved because I have finally found someone I am comfortable with and trust again. I have learned a lot about myself over the last six months and I have felt like a new person.
I learned that my heart rate is insanely high for someone in my age and weight range. More importantly, I learned the reason and the consequences that come with this. The reason is that when your body goes into fight or flight and your blood pressure rises, but when you are stuck in that fight zone for too long or too many times your heart rate stays at that elevated level. The issue with this is everyone has a general tipping point of emotions since my heart rate is already so high my tipping point window is much smaller than most. That explained to me why I can get more emotional than a lot of my friends sometimes, but it also made me very aware of how in touch with my emotions I needed to be.
I learned that just because I have strong ties with someone it is okay to cut them off fo the betterment of myself and I do not owe them more for any reason if they are being toxic to my life.
I learned that my grief comes in all shapes and sizes and it doesn't matter what it looks like.
I learned that taking care of myself is always my top priority. I need to set aside time to take care of my mental health even if that means turning my phone off and taking a bath, or drawing or just watching a movie that makes me feel good.
I learned that talking to people about being depressed is OKAY, and there is nothing wrong with it. I have amazing days, weeks, and months. I am blessed to have an incredible life that I am so thankful for but I get depressed and anxious sometimes. I take anti-anxiety medication and it's OKAY. If I was sick and needed medicine there would be no issue and no shame in it, it's the same thing. My brain is chemically unbalanced and it needs help sometimes just like my immune system does. A healthy mind is just as important as a healthy body. Never let anyone tell you differently.
I never want anyone to feel ashamed of what's going on, but the reality of it is we do feel ashamed. Our parents and family members make us feel ashamed, our friends make us feel ashamed, heck even teachers sometimes make you feel awful about getting anxiety during a test. Do what YOU can do.
I remind myself of two quotes every day, even when the day drags on so long I'm scared it'll never end I tell myself:
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