Kiss Me {OR Maybe Don't}

I think even the bit of Irish in my blood won't grant me a kiss on this green holiday. You asked, so here I am finally obliging to tell you all the tales of the men who have made me turn green. Not really, but to say none of them were prince charming would be an understatement. It's been a long 8 years since I really dated, and maybeeeee 4 since I even really had feelings for anyone. Who even knows the last time I was kissed? Sigh. I can tell you one thing with great certainty though. Dating SUCKS. Pre-covid, during covid, and post covid... all of it. Here I am, just trying to figure out the stupid game while hearing, "you're too picky," "you picked him," "you're too good for him," "just settle already," "a girl like you still so lonely and single?." Take a pick at the phrase and trust me I've heard it. As if dating wasn't hard enough you have everyone else's opinions in the mix as well, what a mess. My favorite will forever be when I got my class ring a family member commented on Facebook and congratulated me on my engagement. No one had been in photos, no one even in the class ring photo, and yet that remains the one thing on people's minds.

This blog probably won't grant me any new dates, but I just can't keep going on dates without telling all you lovelies! I've done the meeting at bars, dating apps, and the MAJOR fails of being set up with patients, the awkward rejection of being set up by family, and a few more. Well, here are a few of my friends' and my's favorite tales from some of the not-so-charmings out there. I supposed I'll start in college since that's where the tragedies begin and work myself to the most recent rejection.

Freshman Suzanna was a heartbroken, now incredibly amusing mess. If only I could tell her what I know now. Even as I sit here to recount all the failures sometimes all I can do is laugh.

The first was the worst, I felt nothing, and he fell HARD. In the end, after the whole month of a whirlwind it somehow became my responsibility that I had utterly shattered his heart and my heart was nothing but a "cold dead black thing that [he] hoped someone shattered how I shattered his." To say the words still haunt me sometimes is an understatement. (K had to be blocked on all platforms because let's just say that was one of the nicer insults. He was so kind to find a day in the heels last year and was quite promptly blocked again.)

Next, there was H. Nice as could be, until after date two he asked if I would be willing to go long distance....between Auburn and GERMANY. That was the last date, but I will say he was the only one I could think of that made it to date two.

A in New York who can still make me laugh and I would rather have in my corner as a friend than not at all.

There were a few less memorable moments in-between, but by the time I made it to senior year, I had wasted so much time on my B.S. that I forgot to also look for my MRS. There was a random incident with a guy offering me a 3-pound bag of gummy worms he pulled from who knows where. One who I threatened to drive to the police station if he didn't get out of my car in the next 5 seconds. One who took my Taylor Swift CD out of the CD sleeve and played it to not so passionately kiss me, I couldn't listen to "Fearless" for months. The one who refused to get on an airplane because he was wholeheartedly convinced he was going to get attacked by terrorists. And of course, the one who told me I was a B*tch because after HE ghosted me I didn't quite feel like rekindling the awkward one date we had.

Bless his heart, he actually deserves a little more of a story because it still makes me laugh. We went on one date to chick fil a because he was devastated this location was closing, then he wanted to spend more time together so he ran errands with me for two hours until I finally told him he couldn't come home or to work with me...much to his dismay. Then, this man all but vanished, texts me 3 days later that he had to drive 3 hours away to go to the hospital because his friends friend was going into labor. When I said I wasn't interested in excuses he said I was a B*tch because I didn't give second chances. That one response reassured me that I had probably made the best decision. Why am I including a seemingly random encounter? Well, three months later I almost hit him (WITH MY CAR) crossing the street to campus.

There was Z, who I fell hard for because he checked all the boxes. It was that stupid movie meet cute in the bar where you're standing there ordering drinks and the rest of the world seems to fall away. He checked every box from dressing well, to smiling, to making me laugh to religion, and everything in between and he's why I know that "Mr. Suzanna Rita" is out there and does indeed exist despite everyone else's doubts. He was also the one who checked too much baggage and ended up leaving me shattered and still somewhat starstruck because lately there haven't been any who even measured up close.

That catches you up on college, so let's move to the present day. Which, also very unfortunately includes seeing my cousins on dating apps. Now, I can't even keep a list of favorites. Was it the one who unmatched me when he asked how my day was going and I said "a little tired but can't complain?" The one who cussed me out then unmatched me because I didn't respond fast enough, even after I said I was at work. When my aunt sent me to take food to our decently cute neighbor, only to find the man rocking out to 90s women's power ballads post a good date. To say I was embarrassed on that one would be an understatement, but I think it's safe to say he was too. The one who told ME - the fashion designer - how to wash my clothes and then show me his EXTENSIVE collection of buff city soap laundry detergent.

I'll leave you with my favorite for the moment, and I can only imagine there will be more to come. Where do I begin? Changing his mind about what to do an hour before meeting up? Sitting next to me in the tiny crowded booth unnecessarily? Making fun of the spot I inevitably had to pick when all his attempts failed? Or perhaps arguing with me about who was actually "end game" on vampire diaries? He picked me up, which was very gracious, except for the fact that three days earlier my dad and I had talked about how much I hated guys driving Subarus. What does this man pull up in? A Subaru, and it takes everything in me to stifle a laugh recalling my conversation with my dad. After a mess of not being able to pick where to go, I finally said we should try a niche bar called the space bar. The first words out of his mouth were, "I'm a nerd but even I'm not this much of a loser." Hi, my name is loser and I thought this might be fun. Strike 2, my man, then he had the audacity to sit next to me in the tiny booth. Why? Do you know how awkward it is to try to converse with someone who is sitting 3 inches from your face instead of in front of you for an hour and a half? Don't try it, I can promise it is incredibly awkward! He then argued with the waitress that the drink names were too fancy and he didn't understand, even though the descriptions were right on the menu. Lastly, and possibly most bizarre of all he picked a fight with me about which characters in The Vampire Diaries should have gotten together and why I was wrong in my own opinions. There was not even a "thanks I had a great time" text.

By some miracle, I'm still bound and determined to find him, IF he's out there. I think you've had enough of my dating fails for one day. I leave you with only one important reminder.

So, here's to always remembering to keep one foot in front of the other, and your heels as high as your standards...xoxo Suzanna Rita

P.s. Don't ever take your heels off for the ego of a man, find one who is taller.