The past month and a half have been an absolute whirlwind. I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm ready for this year to be over. The worst part about this year is even when you think it couldn't possibly get worse, it somehow does. Sure, this year has come with many beautiful things, but in all, it has been quite painful.
Last month I lost my uncle and my grandpa within three weeks of each other. Losing both of them felt like something insurmountable. I have experienced loss and pain, but this rollercoaster of emotions was something I had never expected. People used to ask every day how I was doing, and all I could respond was the best I can. The way that I really felt was as if I was running across the interstate this whole year dodging cars with a few scratches and bruises. Then one day, I was hit by a semi-truck, and the wheels kept rolling over me. Honestly, up until this week, I kept waiting for those back wheels to show up and squash me back into the ground. This week it finally felt like I could get up and it would be okay.
I still catch myself on football Saturdays thinking "Oh! What a play. I have to text uncle frank to see if he saw it," or on Tuesday nights we're still taking dinner to gammaw and papa, not just gammaw. It's this pain of constantly reminding myself they aren't here anymore, that hurts the most. I see things all the time that remind me of them and sometimes it's all I can do not to cry.
More than anything, I've been angry. Angry that two of the most wonderful men I knew got taken away from me. Angry at the pain it caused. Angry that I'll never hear another happy birthday song or laugh, or even receive another warm hug from either of them. Angry at the world and everyone around me.
Lastly, I've felt so guilty because maybe I shouldn't be as upset as I am? Other people are suffering far worse from these losses. Even guilty because at some points, I laugh and everything seems to fade away.
Through lots of nights thinking and grieving, I have realized something. Everyone hurts in their own way. You can feel any way you want to feel. Why? Because what the world does not normalize is that these feelings are NORMAL. The way you feel, is what is the best coping mechanism for YOU. “I understand” has an outside and inside perspective. “I understand” from someone who has gone through the same thing, or “I understand” from the perspective that they see and understand the hurt I am going through. There is comfort from both perspectives; however, no one can truly understand your connection with someone, your hurt without someone, and your mind in how you cope. It is okay to feel the way you feel in the season you are in.
So, what has this past month taught me?
Losing someone is awful, and your emotions will be out of wack for some time. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE.
Remember to take care of yourself, and not just everyone around you. At the end of the day, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Take time to process your feelings, there's nothing wrong with putting your feelings first. If that means not responding to every single text you get, so be it!
Your inner circle will be your lifeline for a little bit and that's okay. I am so thankful for the friends that stood by me and made sure I was okay every day. I love you.
Find your own way to honor the people you lost.
Try to find the beauty in the life they lived.
Hang on to those you love and never miss an opportunity to say "I love you"
I'm by no means where I was a month ago and maybe this has changed me for good, but sometimes you have to take it one step at a time. Writing this to anyone who needed to hear it, was my next step.
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