Hello, hello lovelies! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written anything. It has been just a little bit hectic in my world. I moved out of my very first apartment and was situating my new one, so I've been adulating just a little bit.
I went to visit my best friend a week or so ago and we hadn't seen each other in about a month, which by the way feels like a very long time. We did as girls always do; had a sleepover, gossiped, laughed, and then we did something rare. We had a conversation about our futures and how what we had done and what we had been through in our lives would impact that future. It was a very eye opening conversation and because of it I started to think about my future and what I wanted.
In the past two years I have gone through a growing and transforming phase. I have come into the person who I want to be and who I hope others see me as. A strong, independent, intelligent, kind, loving, and beautiful woman. More importantly I have finally come to see myself as someone else once did; a woman who sees what she wants and is fearless enough to take it.
The real question is; what do I want? Home. That is the one dream of mine that has remained the same since I was little. More than anything in the world I want a family who I find my heart with and I call home. I don't need a big fancy house or all the bells and whistles, just them. Over the past 20 years I can count on one hand the times that I have felt I had a "home". To me a home does not mean 4 walls and a roof, that is a house and it is replaceable. A home is people who love you and make you feel safe even in your vulnerability.
What else?
When we were little and people asked us what we wanted to be or do when we grew up I can almost guarantee everyones answers changed about 50 times between the age of 3 and 11. I can promise that mine did. I wanted to be a pop singer like Hannah Montana, a ballerina, an Olympic gymnast (honestly still sad about this one), a race car driver, an NFL quarterback (I went though a tomboy phase), and so many other crazy dreams. After we turn 12 most people end up sticking with the dream they have then and pursue it. Not everyone loves the dream they picked at that point though. Why is it so much easier for us to continually change our dreams when we are younger, but then we just stop? As we grow up our dreams have to change and grow up with us.
I know with absolute certainty my dreams and aspirations have changed drastically since I graduated high school. Some of those dreams it absolutely broke my heart to let go of but I had to for my own good. When I graduated high school I wanted to go to New York for college, graduate, get married to the guy I loved, get a house with a little picket white fence, a tree in the back yard where we carved our initials, and be in a house filled with children's laugher. That was all and trust me there are days I look back and still think well maybe I could have that, because a part of me will always want that.
So, freshman year of college rolls around andddd I'm no where near New York instead I'm in Auburn Alabama-dream one shattered. Then a few months into college I get a text and it's over and just like that the rest of my dreams shattered like my heart. So I spent the rest of the year mending myself from that whole mess and trying to decide where I wanted to go from there.
Sophomore years rolls around I'm doing great so proud of myself, but I hate college and I'm super lonely. I rack my brain searching for what I can do then I decide what I need is to get my dream back on track. I applied to four fashion schools in New York. Then, I got four letters back that read DENIED at the top. Really boosts your confidence as a designer let me tell you. I sat, I cried a little and I tried to figure out what it was that I was supposed to be doing. I realized I didn't have a clue because there were 1000 different things that I wanted to do, and by some miracle I was okay with that.
Right now I've decided I want to write for a fashion magazine one day so I changed my minor to journalism. Who knows, maybe six months from now I will change my mind again. Maybe 10 years from now my life will look similar to my original dream from when I graduated high school. That is the beauty of it, I can change my dreams and chase them for over long I choose. This is my life so I'm choosing to take what I want in it and you should too.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" ~Jeremiah 29:11
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